A permenant bad mood…this is very very weird for me. Im a happy person. But lately Im just kinda sad. I think it is theb prospect of college. For so long I was excited, so happy to go, thrilled I already had friends and connections there. But now the thought of leaving makes me so worried. I think of college as a prison sentence sometimes. And then other times the mood lightens and Im back to my joyful self, ready to embark on a new world, new life, new parties, and people. But still theres a part of me that holds back.
It was surreal, it felt fake, it felt wrong, and more right than anything. It felt like something I had given up and told myself to forget for so long and then it was there, making the first move. Deciding fuck it Ill cut a cig on the side of an alley with you. Ill take one drag and stomp it out and move onto the real goal. Ill let myself dream of a time when taking off my shirt felt like a big deal and where I loved the curve of his foot against mine. Ill let myself remember that I had gotten ready for the night with someone else in mind. And instead find myself curled against another. We mold together in a way that has been hard to replace and will now continue to bother me. It used to nag when I was with other guys. The thought used to constrict against the back of my tongue as I kissed another. Eh not as good, as soft, as slow. And here it was, with the press of his arms, the skinniness of his legs. I was nervous. He laughed. I laughed. Im never nervous to kiss. But everything felt so new and raw and yet it was all sooo old. I wanted everything and yet none of it. Reality set in. I had gotten ready to be with the boy that had sweet talked me since April, the boy that took a piece of me. The boy that laughed so freely. And instead I was with the silent boy, the one who opened my heart and slowly crushed it through his lack of effort, through his lack of love, and missing creativity. And here I was going to give him something I should have given him so long ago and yet the timing was off. It was too far into the night, too far into my life, I was too far into someone else. And I tell him tomorrow, tomorrow, so eager to take more chances when I just denied the one that was there. I had denied it so long ago, and was so ready to again. But not fully enough. Although not enough doubt to make me stay. So I leave. Drift off into another world. Letting myself go with unspoken promises to make up for it. Good night sweet boy and good bye.
*If this makes any sense Im surprised. Last night was very surreal to me and wording it on tumblr is so tricky.
“Even people I’ve known for so long soon become strangers to me. People change and grow tired of having you in their life. I’m my own best friend. It’s sad, but it is what it is.”—Megan Fox (via deliriant)
“The most exquisite paradox… as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can’t have it. The minute you don’t want power, you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.”—Ram Dass (via kattekustera)
Dont cry dont cry dont cry dont cry. Oh wait Im too dehydrated to cry so its ok. I broke my ankle. This has to be broken…its so painful I can barely work and I have work in three hours. And wheres my money and my shoes and my bathing suit. Last night I made a fool of myself in front of my brothers friends. Following them around like Im 5. S obviously thinks Im so fucking annoying and want him (which I do but that is irrelevant). Im back one night and already need to escape myself. I have serious issues…pleaSe tell me I did not do what I did in my brothers room..please please I cant face my dear brother.
***edit- Guess that was a little dramatic because Im going to get breakfast with ym main nigga Doug/Doug didnt say anything
Going to Florida for ten days. Im going with my brother and basically my sister (his girlfriend who is like a best friend to me) and my mom. I am actually not as excited as I am normally for trips, I think because this one is in the Summer and I never travel in the Summer. My life in the Summer is already a vacation so it is not as thrilling to get away. In the Winter when Im freezing and miserable there is more anticipation. But still I can’t wait to take a break from my life here. Kick back, wear no make-up, eat fried peanuts (Southern delicacy my sister-in-law says I must try), go to Hogsmeade (lol going to HP world in Universal Studios), and just live a more relaxed and more carefree version of my life. So farewell for a bit tumblr. Ill get back to my “fucked up” posts in ten days. Cheers!
Im at a house three times the size of mine, with my favorite girls, everyone naked or in their underwear, swimming in the pool with 22 year old guys, 3 in the morning, drinking Pinot Grigio and Vodka…”Stay the night”…..Oh trust me I could stay forever.
Tonight I did wonderful things. Half sober half drunk. Like an Arnold Palmer. It was a mother fuckig delicious Arnold Palmer night and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Im drifting in and out of that sweet consciousness. Sweet like 30 g of sugar pumping through an Arizona Iced Tea. Take me back to an hour ago to that sweet sweet candy wrapping round and round.
Why does everything seem better when Im drunk? I was excited to go on a date and then I actually do. He bought my dinner and smoked me up on a blunt and we laughed and talked but it wasnt real. I felt out of place. It was nice but thats it. And now hes non stop texting me and wants to hang out all the time. And Im fucked because I work with him and his dad and I like his dad, hes really nice. And now when I blow this kid off, I know I’m going to have to face these people for the next month. I already feel guilty. I feel bad for being a bitch and not wanting this nice boy but honestly I would rather be alone. And stop telling me Im cute…Ugh I know deep down what this is about but I dont want to go into it on here. *Confused PK*