Hes been texting me. I love when cute boys text me. And like I know he obviously is just doing it for one reason. But Im kinda fine with that. Like whatever. Hes nice and he is someone new. I need a change. Although I am afraid hes going to be a very bad influence. But whatever. Ill do whatever I want as always.
Well this is weird to admit but I have a crush. I haven’t been interested in a boy in this manner for a while. Very weird. Like I think about him and my feet tingle. And like its already a nightmare. Like we barely even know each other and were already “hooking up” …….. thats the worst part. I wish it was back in the day when you get to know a person and then hook up. Now you hookup and then go from there. I feel more comfortable asking him how the hickeys are on his neck then being like Oh do you have siblings….Like Im not the best conversationalist (did i just make that word up…) but it feels awkward. But whatever happens happens. It feels right though. Maybe Im crazy or drunk (most likely the latter) but something feels right. Actually everything does. Haa Im having a good morning. I like having successful parties, as well as my parents lol. My parents love when I tell them how big and fun it was and how everyone had a great time. My mom is like “Oh thats great, good good. Sounds like fun.” and my dad is like “Hmm thats good” but I know they are secretly smiling thinking of their little daughter as the party host. And thats me, host of the year (sarcasm…worst host ever. too drunk to handle anything lol) But anyways Im having a good morning. And falling. Falling for something ridicolous but something real I feel it. I do I do.
On days like these I hate myself more than anything. Hangovers are so bloody annoying. Like I hate feeling this shitty. I just want to take a magic wand and bring me a new day. And now I have to have a party. And Liz if youre reading this you know I love you and really wanted to throw you a party but Im just so out of it. I feel like utter shit. What else is new? Like same old shit as usual. Im such a pussy I need to stop whining about my hangovers. But its just frustrating because there is so much I want to do and Im stuck here in misery. And now I have to have another damn party, like Im writing this here so it makes it a little more real but I WILL NOT DRINK A LOT TONIGHT…Im almost tempted to say not at all, but we know thats impossible. Like PK the alcoholic has to dwinky dwink. Ugh which reminds me…KPK (one of my alter egos) came out again last night. I dont really feel like explaining that but basically I have hickeys all over my neck and have to wear a turtleneck even though Im sweating. (lol ?)
Tumblr Im going to miss you while I am away. But honestly you are one of the select few. I need to get out of this town for a little while, my body needs a week free of alcohol and drugs…when was the last time I was a week sober? Ha, what a scary thought. So I was contemplating bringing weed on my trip because of course I never consider consequences like say airport security (lol) but I decided it was better to not even bother. Like what am I going to roll a joint all alone in the bathroom?…well yes obviously that is exactly what I would do hahah but nah whatever, I dont need drugs to have fun! Im bringing books and journals :)
I hate writing loads of deep beautiful shit and then erasing it. This is frustrating. So let me write this quickly.
I had a good weekend. I dont want to hook up with the boy Im hooking up with ever again. I am over him. So so so done with that garbage. I got into college. I am happy. I love my dad. Watching the superbowl with him was so enjoyable. I love that I am escaping NJ on Thursday. I am starving. But I am a fat fuck. I miss my brothers. I hate school. I hate homework. I love reckless weekends. And this weekend was definitely that. I cant wait to sleep.
Ok that sums it up. Way easier than writing all my bullshit deep thoughts.
My head is spinning like a bicycle wheel and I feel guilty. Guilty guilty guilty. I should be going to that creative writing workshop in 30 minutes. But I can’t. I cant cant cant. I’m too fucked up. I knew this would happen. I am totally out of it and yet I promised everyone I would go. And I love Thorp and I dont want to let him down but like ughhh I cant go. First of all trying to write is currently killing me. And I dont want to go and write shit and then be embarassed. And my head holy shit. My head feels like a cement block. Like it hurts to move it. And damnnn I dont think Ive looked this bad in a while. Well probably since last saturday morning (lol) but like ughhh I feel bad. I should be going but Im such a bum. Fuck me. ugh and the lying. I gotta stop lying. Liars suck. But I think the truth sucks worse sometimes. So idk. But anyways I need salad works and a mother fucking water.
30336.) I'm in love with my ex boyfriend from sophomore year. Im now a senior. Sad right? It was that first love type of stuff you know. But things got hard and I cheated, I regret its so bad its hurts. It eats me up everyday. If I could go back I'd stop myself it was so wrong. I've apologized. We're on speaking terms now and all i want is another chance, things would be soo much better. But I'm invovle with someone else now i love him to but its not the same type of love i have for my ex. I just dont know what to do Im torn. I want another chance but I dont want to let the guy I have now go.